From vacuuming to showering to building a tunnel under the 401, why is everything we do now wrong?

Please be aware: whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.
I was researching drones this summer and was struck by the number of expert posts about how doing this or that was wrong. You’re using the RC all wrong. You’re changing the blades all wrong. Takeoff is wrong. Landing is wrong.
It freaked me out. So now I’m sticking with paper planes.
Cutting an avocado? Congratulations, you’re doing it wrong. Vacuuming? You’re doing it wrong. Laundry? You’re doing it wrong. Taking supplements? You’re doing it wrong. Arts and crafts? Wrong and wrong. Negotiating a raise? You’re doing it wrong. Charging your phone? You’re doing it wrong. Scrubbing grout? Your technique is so hilariously wrong.
Building a tunnel under the 401? You’re definitely doing it wrong. Look, I’m all for easing traffic congestion. Our commuting times couldn’t be longer if the streets were coated with molasses. But if a city needs six weeks to fill a pothole, eight months to fix a bridge and 13 years (and counting) to construct an LRT line, excavating a subterranean motorway from Brampton to Scarborough will take about 900 years.
Premier, put down the imaginary shovel. If you can’t fortify the Science Centre, the world’s longest tunnel is the world’s biggest pipe-dream. Supersonic flying buses driven by robot monkeys are more feasible. Teleportation will exist long before that tunnel opens.
Doug Ford, you’re doing it wrong. Not that you should take offence.
According to the fastest growing segment of service journalism, it seems we are all doing everything wrong all the time. Culture has turned efficiency and perfectionism into twin virtues and now the internet is chockablock with glib scolds who are keen to point out why your pillow fluffing is all wrong.
I assume you’re breathing right now? You’re doing it wrong. Use your nose and engage your diaphragm. Inhale. Exhale. Pull out your hair.
Last year, WebMD noted, “10 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong.” Too cold. Gulping too fast. Drinking out of a stream (?). When my daughters were young, they loved when I made them “spa water.” All I did was chuck a few lemon and cucumber slices into the pitcher and stir dramatically. Their eyes got big. It was like I was doing a magic trick.
Unfortunately, I was also increasing their exposure to salmonella and E. coli.
Now I know why Drake wrote a song called, “Doing It Wrong.”
A story this week noted how we are pouring champagne wrong. You shouldn’t be using a flute. A universal wine glass is a better bubbly vessel. Luckily, I work at a newspaper and can’t afford champagne. But I was horrified by another emphatic headline: “How To Make a Dirty Martini — You’re Doing It Wrong All Wrong.”
You know what else I’ve doing wrong? Tying my shoes. Yeah. My parents taught me to make two loops, tuck one under the other and pull. Wrong. They didn’t teach me any Lifehacker methods, including “Bunny Ears,” “Big Loops,” “Cheerio” and “Ian knot.” Once at Home Depot, my laces came undone and I suddenly lurched toward a circular saw display.
Mom? Dad? Doing it wrong could have slashed my throat.
The Doing It Wrong Movement is now criss-crossing the globe. In India, they are cleaning air conditioners wrong. In Sweden, they are making coffee wrong. In Japan, they are making eye contact wrong. In Singapore, the men are having sex wrong. In Ireland, they are getting into the back of cabs wrong.
And you don’t want to know how wrong you are while peeling a banana.
So today I raise an anti-wrong fist and shout, “Enough!”
I am taking a stand against the Do Righters. I don’t have time to worry about optimized posture. Or the correct way to squeegee a windshield. I’m scraping off the bird poop and beating rush hour. Related, I try to stay clear of the scatological, but we are also wiping wrong?
What’s that, Popular Science? I’m mowing my lawn wrong? I should be following the “One-Third Rule” — whatever that is — and be aware if the grass variant is Bermuda, Zoysia or Fescue? Listen to me. You lunatics are now engaged in unpopular science.
You want to help me out? Send over an intern to mow my lawn.
You do you, Do Righters. Leave the rest of us alone. I don’t care if there is a more efficient way to pack a suitcase when I’m running late. Enough with the shaming. Enough with the annoying advice. If it works, it’s fine. Am I brushing my teeth too aggressively and risking gum damage? Possibly. But my mouth feels minty fresh, so go suck a lemon out of the spa water and think about what might happen when your engine conks out in that 401 tunnel.
But you’re showering wrong! You’re stretching wrong! You’re enunciating wrong!
Fine, how’s this: Shut. Up. Already.